Dry July: you can't be serious.

Ok, so there are all these awful murmurings and conversation about a truly hideous phenomenon that answers to the name of Dry July. This so called month of fasting from alcoholic products is alleged to cleanse one’s body of the mind altering agents and ass growth promoting hormones. Also it is widely reported that sponsorships and donations are being raised and forwarded onto many of Australia’s most needy hospitals.
So what does that mean for you and me? Well, if you are participating in Dry July you are most likely sitting on the couch sober on a Friday night for the first time in decades. Flicking through the stations and pondering the possibilities of what the next five Friday and Saturday nights may hold for you.
 All of a sudden the comedy shows aren't as funny; you can see the ball on the football whilst commending the umpire on his correct adjudication of the game. The SBS movie feature actually becomes more than a bit of tits and ass as you discover to your horror that you are actually reading the subtitles and understanding the plot. You are refraining from posting emotional outbursts and trying to chat to that cute one who you work with on facebook. To your absolute amazement you are starting to look forward to rising early to complete those menial gardening jobs that you have been planning since the mid to late seventies. You've already planned and mapped out your morning jog followed by a trip to the market to purchase some food for breakfast and all three morning papers. This has become an amazing transformation of your life.
Now that you aren’t drinking, many of the regular occurrences in life have vanished. Gone are the walks of shame down the foreign hallway of some strange house. Only after leaving do you realize that you have left your watch on the bedside table, Oh well collateral damage there is no way you are going back in there again. You find that you are no longer waking up on a Saturday morning with the obliterated remnants of lamb kebab in your bed, including the cast off spatter of garlic sauce across your bedside table. You are no longer getting phone calls from some bar, asking if you would like to finalize your account from Sunday night. They politely inform you that they could settle the account for you, as they actually still have your credit card that you have been looking for three days. You no longer wake up with your chin stuck to your pillow on a Sunday morning, from where you gave yourself a mighty inch long laceration from a dance floor injury. Most likely from an ill timed ‘worm’ at the seediest club that you know.
So yes you do feel the better for it. You are saving face, as well as tonnes of hard earned cash. Your waist line is shrinking, and you are regaining the respect of your family members. Blood pressure is normal, bowel functions regular, and most importantly you are supporting a great cause and contributing to a better and more well behaved society. Congratulations you have become a fully functioning member of society and a warrior for the cause that is:

DRY JULY

Well done you have done us all proud.

*The Author is no way associated or participating in Dry July. Jesus Christ, what do you think I’d write this crap sober??

A big deal.

    

A Big Deal!

By Elliott Bishop

Let's all admit we are all here for one thing, and one thing only. Sex!
Yes that is a big call to make at the beginning of an amateur writing piece, but rest assured this topic is of a seriously highly regarded nature. So please let me explain.
 Sex has made us cry, it has made us laugh, made us do totally fucked up things, made us pretend we are someone that we are not,  made us be adventurous, made us tired and hungry, made us try harder in life, made us impotent, made us morally corrupt, made us steal cheat and lie, made us become more physically dexterous, it's made us perform at our peak in our chosen gladiatorial conquests, made us stay in bed all day, made us financially destitute, made our relationship with our best friend totally awkward, and made Tiger Woods a bit of a joke.
So why do we vigorously pursue this ever empowering vice?  To some people there is nothing more to it than those two and a half to eighty minutes of physical exercise. To others it is a special connection between two (or many) spiritually connected beings, for others it's procreational only, some people do it because we are telling them them they should be, some people do it for a source of income, others because life in the ‘End of the world Cult’ would be rather awkward if we didn’t, some do it for numbers in the book, and others to simply knock the stress out of the end of the day. Please do not be alarmed these are not the only reasons we have sex, nor are they the only reasons that the author performs “the deed”. Sex if used correctly can be immensely pleasurable, if used incorrectly can start wars, or have you incarcerated for quite some time.
Anyway you maybe beginning to think that this article is really going around in circles, and I concur, it certainly is. But sex is such an important factor to so many of us. Even if we don’t place much importance in it ourselves or seldom do it, sex has a dramatic influence on our day to day lives. Sex is the one common thread that drives our multi billion dollar advertising industries. It has toppled some of our governments too. Many Christians practiced the conservative teachings of their Church, yet these institutions are imploding from sex scandals within. Sex or a lack there of it can make day to day life with our work colleagues, friends, or family members unbearable. And because of these many different by-products of sex, whether you are an avid deviate, closed up prude, everyday punter, or just your average Joe it cannot be argued that Sex is irrelevant to our separate universes. So if I track back to my opening statement that ‘we are all here for one thing and one thing only. Sex! ‘I am confident that you might agree with me.
Sex is a big deal, end of story.